Rules tend to be some of the first difficult concepts many couples diving into the lifestyle of BDSM must confront. You may be wondering, “Why are rules even necessary?” or “How do I know which ones are right for us?” I’ve been there, too. When I started my journey as a Dominant years ago, I had no idea where to begin either.
But as I discovered, rules are more than just a list of commands; they’re the foundation of trust, communication, and growth in any power exchange dynamic.
Regardless of whether your desire is for a full-time 24/7 Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship or you’re just starting to dip your toes into the lifestyle, well-defined rules will go a long way in fostering the structure and safety both parties need.
Today, I want to share with you not only the rules I have been using in my personal relationships but also why they are important.
WAIT !
Table of Contents
Why Are Rules Important in BDSM?
The rules of a BDSM relationship go further than the setting of boundaries; they establish stability and security. To the submissives, clear rules may avail a reassuring framework within which they can explore their submission completely, feeling supported. And for Dominants, rules provide the structure needed to guide their partner in a manner conducive to growth and deepening of a bond. Rules help avoid confusion and misunderstandings wherein each party will know what is expected of them.
From my experience, a good set of rules does way more than just dictate behaviors; it encourages open communications and nurtures trust. The important thing is to tailor the rules to your dynamic-whether full-time 24/7 or a bit more flexible.
My Personal Experience with Crafting Rules
When I initially started being a Dominant, I did not know what sort of rules would work for me and my submissive. I knew I needed to have some idea of providing structure and enabling growth in a relationship. So, I tried them. Some of these rules worked straight away, while others just had to be tweeked, or whatever. Over time, I reworked a set of rules that can be easily adapted for any power exchange dynamic, whether real-life or long-distance (LDR).
By trial and error, I learned one important thing: rules are not set-in-stone commandments. They grow with the relationship itself and must bend according to the needs and circumstances of both Dominant and submissive alike. In this article, I’ll share the unique rules that worked for me and give examples of how you can tailor them to suit your dynamic.
Rule 1: Prioritize Self-Care and Well-being
One thing I quickly learned was that a submissive who is not taking care of themselves emotionally and physically will never be able to fully embrace their submission. That is why my first rule is always about well-being:
“You must keep to a regular routine of self-care to maintain mental and emotional balance in your role as a submissive.”
I find that submission is strongest when the submissive feels grounded and secure. This is not about forcing someone to hit the gym or regiment their eating schedule, but rather taking care of oneself. That would include making time for hobbies, rest, or even seeing a therapist if one needs to. When my submissive is mentally and emotionally healthy, they can give themselves more fully to the dynamic.
Example Activity: Get your submissive to start a daily mindfulness practice. That could be as basic as 10 minutes of meditation, journaling, or anything as everyday as painting or knitting.
Practical Advice: Buy a mindfulness app or a guided meditation subscription like Calm or Headspace to make this a reality for this rule.
Rule 2: Commit to Continuous Learning
A power exchange dynamic shouldn’t be static. Both partners should always grow in the dynamic and individually. That’s why I added the following rule:
“You must participate in learning activities, whether BDSM-related or at your Dominant’s choosing, to intellectually and emotionally grow.”
This rule, when introduced to my submissive, was what bettered their connection. They claimed that they were urged to explore new interests, and that I was enjoying taking them through that learning process. You can have your submissive learn more about BDSM practices, read books that you have selected, or even take on a new skill. This rule isn’t just for learning something; this is growth, which is a very major part of any relationship.
Example Activity: Have your submissive read a book on BDSM, and discuss the ideas. Or, they can be mandated to attend a class in the area of interest to both of them.
Usable Tip: Devote one hour a week to discussing their progress. It places some sense of responsibility and provides something for both partners to anticipate.
Rule 3: Rituals of Weekly 'Check-In
An integral part of any kind of relationship is communication, and that is most definitely no different in BDSM dynamics. This is where the establishment of a weekly “check-in” ritual would come in handy.
“One of the suggestions I made was that we both schedule a weekly check-in to review the relationship, the rules, and changes or concerns.”
In my experience, the special time devoted to discussing how things are going in the relationship is invaluable. It creates a safe space to discuss any issues, reaffirm boundaries, and celebrate progress. These check-ins also allow you to adjust the rules as needed. No rule is carved in stone.
Example Activity: Set aside one night a week where you both sit down and review the rules, talking about your feelings candidly with each other.
Practical Tip: You could even establish a diary that the submissive will use to write notes during the week and present during check-ins.
Rule 4: Be Present in Your Submission
One of the most changing rules that I implemented indeed dealt with mindfulness. Many submissives want to be wholly into their role, which is what this rule was for:
“You must practice mindfulness during all tasks and be fully present when performing your role as a submissive.”
It’s not about perfection or obsessing over every little action, per se. It is simply a matter of deliberateness: a mindful submissive is more aware of their actions, better able to focus on their Dominant’s pleasures. It will help them find meaning in their submission.
Example Activity: Have your submissive perform something utterly mundane, like making a cup of tea, with full attention. They can focus on the sensory experience or the intention behind what they are doing.
Practical Tip: Using mindfulness tools, such as a breathing exercise or body scan before or during submissive activities, will help to focus.
Rule 5: Engage in Creative Expression
I firmly believe that submission is not just about adhering to the orders but can very well be one’s form of expression. And thus, I take it upon myself to allow my submissives to be creative in their respective forms, which includes:
“One time weekly, you will participate in some sort of creative or artistic activity, and then share with your Dominant.”
When I instituted this rule, it allowed my submissive to channel their emotions into a healthy outlet but also really add to the layer of connection within our dynamic. Anything from drawing and writing to photography and baking become avenues for deeper submission.
Example Activity: Have your submissive create something that represents their emotions or thoughts about the dynamic, sharing them with you during your check-in.
Practical Tip: Do creative activities together, like painting or cooking, to help bond you.
Rule 6: Sexual Boundaries and Consent
No matter how much power you give over, you have to establish sexual boundaries. The next rule is one that seems to be pretty standard in my dynamic, at least:
“You must always ask permission from your Dominant before you have sex with anyone else, and you must discuss any advances made towards you openly”
This rule ensures both partners feel safe and valued. Whether your relationship is monogamous or open, boundaries regarding sexual activity have to be clear.
Example Activity: Discuss where your boundaries are, and what you each expect when it comes to sexual activity. In your relationship rules, include what you have written.
Practical Tip: Go back and review this rule from time to time, especially if your circumstances change or you begin a new relationship dynamic with someone else.
Rule 7: Utmost Honesty and Transparency
This is arguably the most basic rule in any BDSM relationship:
“You shall be wholly transparent and honest in all things concerning your relationship with your Dominant.”
Without honesty, the power exchange can’t work. In my own experience, being as open as possible with your partner brings a deeper level of trust in and of itself. This makes it much easier to discuss uncomfortable topics that will necessarily arise, such as when the rules need revision or when boundaries are pressed.
Example Activity: During one of the periodic check-ins with your submissive, ask them to reflect a little on what may be holding them back from being transparent. Reassure them and discuss how they might handle things differently in the future.
Practical Tip: Honesty must go both ways. Make certain that the partners remain fully transparent about their needs and feelings also.
Rule 8: Engage in Sensory Play
One of the really exciting things about being into BDSM is a chance to explore new sensations, and that can be built into your dynamic as a rule:
“One should try one new sensory or kink experience once a month, at the whim of your Dominant.”
This rule keeps interactions fresh and both parties out of their comfort zones while pursuing what turns them on. Anything from sensory deprivation to impact play, trying a new kink. The idea is to push boundaries together in a safe and consensual way.
Example Activity: Introduce blindfolds or other sensory play at intimate moments. Allow your submissive to focus on the sensations and further, the amount of trust they would need to engage in such activity.
Practical Tip: Always negotiate limits and safe words before any new experience. Safety above all.
Rule 9: Commitment to Growth and Improvement
Still, another rule that might engender growth in a person is the one touching on improvement:
“You shall strive to improve yourself in areas that your Dominant sees fit and deems crucial for your well-being, whether physical, emotional, or intellectual.”
It is not about perfection; it is about progress. For example, with respect to being disorganized or with poor time management skills with your submissive, it helps center them to work on those skills for improvement. After all, that is the idea-helpful to, and to assist each other in being a better version of oneself.
Example Activity: Give your submissive highly specific and reachable goals, such as a new skill or something he/she may be struggling with personally.
Practical Tip: Success will likely be incremental, and the small achievements that occur must be highlighted in order to build momentum and further growth.
Rule 10: Display the Sign of Your Submission
Arguably the most basic, yet important symbol, of a BDSM relationship is a collar, or some other object that symbolizes one’s submission to their master:
“You shall at all times wear some type of symbol depicting your submissive status, such as a collar, bracelet, or any other gift given to you.”
This physical symbol is a reminder of the dynamic and the bond between Dominant and submissive. Whether a collar, necklace, or even a ring, having something tangible representing their relationship adds another layer of meaning.
Example Activity: Collaborate in choosing or designing a collar or some other type of symbol that feels right for your relationship.
Practical Tip: Learn what kind of collars or types of jewelry can be discreetly worn, even in a daily environment.
Conclusion
This takes great amounts of time, patience, and open communication to find just the right set of rules for your particular BDSM dynamic. Unique rules to consider in a power exchange relationship are suggested below, which can help foster growth, trust, and connection. The trick will be in making those rules your own-adapting them to your needs and your dynamic.
Take it to the next level by exploring some high-quality handmade BDSM collars and sub badges from some popular websites such as. Also, feel free to peruse and download our edit-able BDSM rules template which will give you some direction on how to establish your dynamic.
At the end of it all, a successful BDSM relationship is built on mutual respect, communication, and shared commitment to growth. It is my hope that these rules will inspire you in deepening your connection and exploring your dynamic in new, exciting ways
And don’t forget to check out our Best BDSM Toy Picks..