Discipline plays a huge role in BDSM relationships. It’s not about bossing your partner around, per se-far from it. Discipline is what helps to reinforce trust, boundaries, and roles within the dynamic.
For someone as experienced in the lifestyle as I am, I can attest to how effective and transformative submissive punishments can be when done right.
Let’s delve into the must-knows of mastering this part of the world of BDSM and how you can apply it to your relationship.
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Submissive punishments in BDSM are important. Discipline in a dominant / submissive (D/s) relationship isn’t just about bad behavior correction; it’s about reinforcing the bond between the partners.
Submissive punishments, when consensual, will enable the sub to understand the limits and their place within the dynamic. It allows for growth, not only as a single individual but also as a couple.
I remember early on in my journey as a Dom, I was a little apprehensive about giving punishments. I didn’t know how far I should go or even how to get across the lesson I wanted to impart.
Of course, once I realized that punishments are an issue of growth and not of control, everything changed. It became a method of creating a much more structured respectful relationship.
Preparing for Submissive Punishments: Setting Clear Rules
First off, let me make one thing clear: You cannot just jump into the pool of discipline without first laying the groundwork. In other words, the rules and boundaries have to be clearly laid out from the onset. You both have to be on the same page about what is and is not expected of you well in advance of any punishment taking place.
I always recommend that discussion of your dynamic is done and, if possible at all, even put into writing. A BDSM contract about rules, limits, and types of punishment can save a lot of headaches later on.
For example, my sub and I have a list of expectations in our relationship. We have agreed upon those certain rules that, if broken-such as forgetting to check in at a particular time-would attract a certain consequence.
But we are aware of the why behind it: it’s reinforcing respect and care, not just doling out discipline.
Tailoring the Punishment to Fit the Crime
It doesn’t have to be the same for every misstep. Punishment needs to fit the crime for fairness, so trust remains intact. For minor infractions, some sort of light punishment-taking away underwear for the day, writing lines-may suffice when your sub acted in breach of a minor rule.
For more serious infractions, however, discipline needs to be doled out with much more gravitas-spanking, privileges revoked.
One time, my sub didn’t follow a simple instruction: responding to a text in 15 minutes. It wasn’t that huge of a deal, but I felt it needed reinforcement in regards to communication timing.
So I gave them a small task in return: to wear a pair of Ben Wa balls for the rest of the day.
It wasn’t painful, but a little reminder of their role and rule-following. For heavier offenses, we have agreed on corporal punishments like spanking, but within their limits.
Timing and Consistency in Discipline
Indeed, everything is about timing when punishments are concerned. If you allow too much time to elapse, the effect is lost and your sub may feel you do not care enough about them even to punish them.
Punishments: I try to do them at the end of the day in person, unless it’s over text for some people.
Consistency: Once you put a rule in place, and your sub has broken it, you need to have the punishment pre-agreed upon. Not confusing the other individual keeps the dynamics strong.
There have been times when, due to busy-ness, I let a punishment slide. Later on, my sub mentioned they felt neglected because they wanted the structure and discipline we’d built up. In failing to follow through,
I accidentally broke part of that trust.
Now I make it a point to never let too much time pass after an infraction. If you’re in a long-distance D/s relationship, even a stern message over text will suffice.
Safe Words and Measuring Intensity
An important part of BDSM is safety. Punishment is always a tricky one, and it needs making sure that your sub is comfortable and safe during the process. That is where safe words come in.
My sub and I agreed upon using a traffic light system; “green” meant everything was okay, “yellow” meant things were intense but still manageable, while “red” meant an instant stop.
In such a way, I could tell how comfortable they were feeling without bringing them too much out of the dynamic.
Examples of Submissive Punishments
The following are a few punishments I find worked regarding my personal experience.
Spanking: The classics never die. I usually do this on the bed, with my sub’s clothes off. Using my bare hand keeps things intimate for me and helps me not go too hard. It is a physical act that can have huge emotional depth.
Orgasm Denial: This is a potent weapon in the arsenal of any Dom. I often do it when I want to remind the sub who holds the key to their pleasure. Even a day of denial can be incredibly effective.
Time-Out: It’s not only kids that need to have this part of discipline. Sometimes, the sub needs to reflect on their behavior. A few minutes of isolation away from me may help them meditate on what they did wrong and come back refreshed with renewed focus.
Ben Wa Balls: These are wonderful for lighter punishments. Because my sub has to keep them in all day, this is a nice reminder of their position in our relationship when we aren’t spending time together.
If you’d like some more ideas, have a look at my free punishment master list, with over 30 different ideas for physical and non-physical punishments. [Get the list here].
Bringing in Aftercare and Positive Reinforcement
Aftercare means just as much as the punishment itself. It’s very common that punishments can leave a sub feeling quite vulnerable, be it emotionally or physically.
After each scene, I always make sure to take care of my sub-be it cuddling, talking, or just being with them. It helps them return to a more balanced state of their emotions and reinforces the trust we have built.
Of course, a lot of positive reinforcement factors in. Always after a punishment, I make it a point to remind my sub about their positive features and how discipline helped them grow. It not only makes them appreciated but also helps in bonding more with each other.
Conclusion
Submissive punishments are an art that has to find a perfect balance between being disciplining, trusting, and taking care. You create a better and more rewarding D/s because of set rules beforehand, crafting punishments to fit the situation, and lastly by aftercare.
Remember, this is for growth and connectivity-not just control for the sake of control.
But if you are interested in learning more, don’t forget to check out my submissive slave training guide to find out about even more ways to spice up your BDSM relationship.