BDSM Relationship Advise

Rules tend to be some of the first difficult concepts many couples diving into the lifestyle of BDSM must confront. You may be wondering, “Why are rules even necessary?” or “How do I know which ones are right for us?” I’ve been there, too. When I started my journey as a Dominant years ago, I had no idea where to begin either. But as I discovered, rules are more than just a list of commands; they’re the foundation of trust, communication, and growth in any power exchange dynamic. Regardless of whether your desire is for a full-time 24/7 Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship or you’re just starting to dip your toes into the lifestyle, well-defined rules will go a long way in fostering the structure and safety both parties need. Today, I want to share with you not only the rules I have been using in my personal relationships but also why they are important. WAIT ! Before you buy your next BDSM toy, check out our top 10 product recommendations: Click Here to See Our Top 10 BDSM Toy Picks Hey.. Table of Contents Why Are Rules Important in BDSM? The rules of a BDSM relationship go further than the setting of boundaries; they establish stability and security. To the submissives, clear rules may avail a reassuring framework within which they can explore their submission completely, feeling supported. And for Dominants, rules provide the structure needed to guide their partner in a manner conducive to growth and deepening of a bond. Rules help avoid confusion and misunderstandings wherein each party will know what is expected of them. From my experience, a good set of rules does way more than just dictate behaviors; it encourages open communications and nurtures trust. The important thing is to tailor the rules to your dynamic-whether full-time 24/7 or a bit more flexible. My Personal Experience with Crafting Rules When I initially started being a Dominant, I did not know what sort of rules would work for me and my submissive. I knew I needed to have some idea of providing structure and enabling growth in a relationship. So, I tried them. Some of these rules worked straight away, while others just had to be tweeked, or whatever. Over time, I reworked a set of rules that can be easily adapted for any power exchange dynamic, whether real-life or long-distance (LDR). By trial and error, I learned one important thing: rules are not set-in-stone commandments. They grow with the relationship itself and must bend according to the needs and circumstances of both Dominant and submissive alike. In this article, I’ll share the unique rules that worked for me and give examples of how you can tailor them to suit your dynamic. Rule 1: Prioritize Self-Care and Well-being One thing I quickly learned was that a submissive who is not taking care of themselves emotionally and physically will never be able to fully embrace their submission. That is why my first rule is always about well-being: “You must keep to a regular routine of self-care to maintain mental and emotional balance in your role as a submissive.” I find that submission is strongest when the submissive feels grounded and secure. This is not about forcing someone to hit the gym or regiment their eating schedule, but rather taking care of oneself. That would include making time for hobbies, rest, or even seeing a therapist if one needs to. When my submissive is mentally and emotionally healthy, they can give themselves more fully to the dynamic. Example Activity: Get your submissive to start a daily mindfulness practice. That could be as basic as 10 minutes of meditation, journaling, or anything as everyday as painting or knitting. Practical Advice: Buy a mindfulness app or a guided meditation subscription like Calm or Headspace to make this a reality for this rule. Rule 2: Commit to Continuous Learning A power exchange dynamic shouldn’t be static. Both partners should always grow in the dynamic and individually. That’s why I added the following rule: “You must participate in learning activities, whether BDSM-related or at your Dominant’s choosing, to intellectually and emotionally grow.” This rule, when introduced to my submissive, was what bettered their connection. They claimed that they were urged to explore new interests, and that I was enjoying taking them through that learning process. You can have your submissive learn more about BDSM practices, read books that you have selected, or even take on a new skill. This rule isn’t just for learning something; this is growth, which is a very major part of any relationship. Example Activity: Have your submissive read a book on BDSM, and discuss the ideas. Or, they can be mandated to attend a class in the area of interest to both of them. Usable Tip: Devote one hour a week to discussing their progress. It places some sense of responsibility and provides something for both partners to anticipate. Rule 3: Rituals of Weekly ‘Check-In An integral part of any kind of relationship is communication, and that is most definitely no different in BDSM dynamics. This is where the establishment of a weekly “check-in” ritual would come in handy. “One of the suggestions I made was that we both schedule a weekly check-in to review the relationship, the rules, and changes or concerns.” In my experience, the special time devoted to discussing how things are going in the relationship is invaluable. It creates a safe space to discuss any issues, reaffirm boundaries, and celebrate progress. These check-ins also allow you to adjust the rules as needed. No rule is carved in stone. Example Activity: Set aside one night a week where you both sit down and review the rules, talking about your feelings candidly with each other. Practical Tip: You could even establish a diary that the submissive will use to write notes during the week and present during check-ins. Rule 4: Be Present in Your Submission One of the most changing rules that I implemented indeed dealt