For submissiveness in BDSM, it is not really about fitting into a single mold. Not all submissives are alike, and that is perfectly fine. Being in the scene for quite some time now, I can say that submissiveness is deeply personal, and how you identify may evolve with time.
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Common Misconceptions in BDSM
Let’s get one thing straight: most fiction gets a lot about BDSM wrong. If you came into the scene because of books like Fifty Shades of Grey, you may come in with some preconceived notions that simply aren’t true.
Those stories are full of unhealthy power dynamics for the sake of drama.
But BDSМ is about consent, communication, and finding out what works for you. As movies and novels might paint a certain picture, the real and alive BDSМ community opens wide its arms to variated experiences and relationships that surely look nothing like the kind you have seen in media.
Understanding Submissive Types
Now, let’s dive into the sub-types of submissives. You may be one, or you could relate to all of them, and that’s ok. Submission is fluid, and your role can change with your partner or even with your mood.
Here are some common types of submissives:
1. Brats
Brats love testing their Dominants. They love pushing boundaries, but all in great fun. If you have ever disobeyed playfully just to get a reaction-or maybe a punishment-you might just be a brat.
Brats bring a lot of energy into the relationship, but they also need someone who enjoys this back-and-forth dynamic.
I think when I first came into BDSM, I thought I was going to be this perfectly obedient sub. But nope-it would appear I have a bratty streak! Sometimes I just love testing the waters and seeing how far I can go before I get “corrected.”
2. Service Submissives
If you get your happy place from serving others, then you are a service submissive. Service submissives find a great amount of pleasure from their usefulness and in rendering an excellent service.
Performing errands, getting all that the Dominant needs, or just simply taking care of one’s partner will be done by the service submissive with great satisfaction.
Submissions of this nature always make me feel so accomplished. I think it is great to know that my work will lighten someone else’s burden, and I must say being appreciated reinforces that motivation further.
3. Littles
Littles are submissives who find their happiness in the opportunity for them to take up childlike roles in life, needing to be nurtured and taken care of by their dominating partner. You may enjoy cuddling, having rules, and even play punishments.
Sometimes, littles can overlap with other roles-like brats or age-players-and you may find success in dynamics that would require the partner to adopt the role of “Daddy” or “Mommy“.
It is profoundly comforting to let go of adult responsibilities for a time and be in care. Slipping into a “little” headspace relaxes and resets me when I am specifically stressed.
4. Pain Sluts
This may sound a bit serious, but pain sluts love pain in the physical aspect of BDSM: spanked, flogged, something a bit more extreme. It’s not always punishment; sometimes it’s just the sensation that comes along with it.
I personally find certain kinds of pains can be really grounding. There is a release that might come along with that, most especially when it is done with care and consent.
5. Bedroom Submissives
If you enjoy submitting but only under certain circumstances—like in the bedroom—then this might be your style. Often, bedroom subs find dominance sexy, and they’re usually leaving the power dynamic behind once the scene is over.
There’s no right or wrong way to explore your desires, and being a bedroom submissive might give you the best of both worlds.
It’s Okay to Be More Than One Thing
What is interesting about BDSM is that most of us don’t fit into one category: some days, I’m a brat; other days, more of a service sub. Your role can shift depending on the situation or your relationship, and that is just okay.
Just because that’s what you identified as at one point, don’t feel like you need to stay in that one box. People change-and that includes submissives!
Exploit, experiment, and above all, communicate with your partner. The more open and honest you are with them about your needs, the better your relationship is going to be.
Practical Advice for Exploring Your Submissive Side
Now that you have an idea of the different types of submissions, how would you find what suits you best? Well, here are a few tips:
Communicate with Your Partner: In the event that you are in a BDSM relationship-or looking to start one-be upfront about what you want to try and what boundaries you may have. Open communication is the backbone of any good D/s dynamic.
Play Safe: Try some different scenes and see what feels natural. You might just find that you love a certain role that you would have never envisioned yourself fulfilling. Make sure to utilize safe words and to check in with your partner during and after the scenes.
Don’t Be in a Hurry to Label Yourself: If you are relatively new into the scene, take your time. There is no great urge to define who you are. You might start off as a brat and then find you enjoy service submission more. It’s all part of the journey.
Join the Community: The BDSM community, both in real life and online, consists of friendly people who would be more than happy to help you through this. I was able to make several good contacts by simply engaging in active online forums and learning lots about other people’s experiences.
Activities that Would Help You Discover Your Role
Brats may enjoy playful disobedience or light punishes, such as spanking or being tickled. Create scenes in which you would push his or her limits and boundaries to observe your partner’s reactions.
Service submissives can do tasks such as organizing, cooking, or helping run errands. This is about finding happiness in being useful.
Littles may like to engage in age-play activities: coloring, watching cartoons, or being read to by the Dominant. Sometimes the most basic things can help find comfort and delight.
Pain sluts can enjoy various aspects of impact play: flogging, caning, or for a very sensual feeling-a pinwheel.
Wrapping it Up
Where do you fit in within the scene?
It is about you at the end of the day. Nobody can define what kind of submissive you should be: whether brat, service sub, little, or anything else. This is about a discovery process to figure out what will make you happy and fulfilled.
Or check out some fantastic resources and products in BDSM that might help you dive deeper into your submission. If you’re into pain play, I suggest you start with a simple flogger or spanking paddle, which you’ll find plenty of great examples here. If you happen to be on the little or bratty side, the many cute accessories and toys available can really add to the fun in scenes.
Whatever you do, savor the journey, and remember that your submission is special. There’s no wrong way to explore it as long as it’s safe, sane, and consensual.
And don’t forget to check out our Best BDSM Toy Picks..